No more fear

For those of you who are new to this blog, the history can be summarised thus: I was told I had cancer and had an operation to remove a growth in my upper leg. After the operation I was told that it wasn’t cancer!

In the wake of this scare, I decided there were things about my life that needed to be set right. I explained in yesterday’s post that one of the steps I took was to close my ailing company down. There was another big step I had to take to get my life aligned with my own personal needs. Since I was very young, I have had a secret, a secret which I didn’t feel able to share with anyone, not even my wife. My love for D prevented me from telling her the truth because I was (and still am) desperately scared of losing her.

As I reflected on my life and what might or might not be about to happen, something even more frightening than losing D occured to me. We might live our whole lives together and yet still be strangers!

It took a few weeks for the full horror of that prospect to sink in, but when it did, I decided that I should trust the love that we had demonstrated to each other for eleven years of marriage, and finally open up completely.

It occurred to me that revealing my secret to D would probably have one of two effects. She might lose her respect for me completely, or she might see it as an act of trust and a demonstration of honesty. I dearly hoped that it would be the latter. I want to grow old with her, and I don’t want any more secrets.

I’ve only got this one shot at life, so I’ve got to get it right. So I resolved to tell her.

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